Patsy Presley and the Patron Saints of Swing

 Cast of Characters: 
PATSY PRESLEY        an Elvis impersonator who thinks she has famous parents
BLUES DADDY JACKSON  a Jordanaire who has seen everything
AARON CLINE          a famous broken-hearted musician
THE PATRON SAINTS OF SWING  the house band: a who’s who of dead Rock-n-Roll and Country Western musicians
JIMMY              a rebound
ANNOUNCER

Musical Numbers:
ACT I
Overture - Saints
Patsy Presley Theme I - Saints
Death by Miss Adventure - Patsy
Falling Down the Road - Patsy
Blues Daddy’s Theme I - Blues Daddy
The Truck Song - Patsy

It's Me - Patsy, Saints

ACT II
Enteract - Saints
Patsy Presley Theme II - Saints
Aaron’s Waltz - Aaron
Sadder than Kansas - Aaron
That Radio - Patsy, Aaron
Rock Bottom, Truck Song, Falling Down the Road Reprieve - Patsy
Patsy Presley Theme III - Patsy, Saints
You Got You - Blues Daddy
Aaron’s Waltz reprieve - Aaron
Patsy Cline Medley - Patsy
Take Me Back - Aaron
Rock Me - Patsy, Aaron
You Got You reprieve - Company

ACT I

[The stage is a garage, empty except for a steamer trunk DSR.US, a garage door opens to reveal a bandstand, which travels DS as the SAINTS play the overture and then sing:]

SAINTS

Hello everybody
Welcome, welcome, welcome
Welcome to the Patsy Presley Show
Hello everybody,
Hello everybody
Welcome, welcome, welcome
Come on now it’s time to go
To visit Patsy Presley
The Queen of Country Music
and the King of Rock-N-Roll
Rolled into one at the bottom of her soul
Patsy Presley
The Queen of Country Music
and the King of Rock-N-Roll
This is Patsy’s story so watch it now unfold.
Welcome everybody
Come on in and sit down
Take off your shoes and set a spell
We are going to tell you
A very silly story
And we hope we tell it very well
About Patsy Presley
Drunk, confused and angry
and she don’t know who she is
She’s about to find out and set the record straight
Patsy Presley
The poor little orphan
Who grew up fast and hard
And never had a day
That wasn’t filled with a little hate
But we’re gonna change that
Right here on this stage now
You will see a creature to despise
Patsy who is angry
Drunk, unloved and fearful
She will change before your very eyes
Into Patsy Presley
The Queen of Country Music
And the King of Rock-n-Roll
Rolled into one at the bottom of her soul

[SAINTS play a song that changes into PATSY’s as they exit through the garage door US.PATSY enters L, Punked out, strung out and strumming an electric guitar]

PATSY

Jimmy?Jimmy!I really think we should do this song on the tour.When are we leaving?I know I missed a few meetings and 7, 8? OK nine rehearsals, but this song is good.I’ll play loud so you can hear.[she plugs into an amp behind the trunk and sings]

Death by Miss Adventure
Death by Miss Adventure
I don’t care how hard I try
I’m gonna’ love you or I’m gonna’ die
I’m gonna’ love you like thunderheads do
I’m gonna’ love you like rain
I’m gonna love you like the tide rolls in
Again and again and again!
Death by Miss Adventure
Death by Miss Adventure
I don’t care how hard I try
I’m gonna’ love you ‘till I die
I’m all over you like a blanket
I’m gonna mess with your hair
I’m all over you so just look out
Over there, over there, over there!
Death by Miss Adventure
Death by Miss Adventure
I don’t care how hard I try
I’m gonna’ love you till you die
I want to be in your dreams tonight
I’m gonna make you proud
I want to make you scream my name
Out loud, out loud, out loud!
Death by Miss Adventure
Death by Miss Adventure
I don’t care how hard I try
I’m gonna’ love you or I’m gonna’ die
[She finishes by knocking over the amp, which feeds back, then realizes there’s really no one there.]

PATSY

Wasn’t that shit, tits and ass?Hey, where the hell is everyone?Where did everyone… go? [sees the note taped to the trunk]What?Jimmy?

JIMMY v.o.

Patsy, where the hell are you?We waited around for three hours.Today we waited for three hours.Me and the band have been waiting for three days.We finally had to go. Without you!Patsy, you promised me you’d be here at nine.You promised you were through drinking and using and lying to me.Well, I guess you lied again.But Patsy, I’m telling you the truth.I’m not coming back.Consider us divorced.It will be an easy thing to undo.I’m so mad, Patsy.At you but mostly at myself for believing you, for living ½ of a marriage.I wish I could end this with “I love you,” but I don’t think I love you.I’m not sure either of us were capable of giving or receiving love.And I know one thing, I don’t even like you…Love, Jimmy.

[Patsy goes through the seven stages on loss in 15 seconds]

PATSY

Augggh!I knew it!God Dam-Muther F- Agh!Never marry on the rebound.Never marry on the rebound.Never marry on the rebound!I knew I didn’t love him and now he doesn’t love me.I knew it.I knew it when I met that motherfucker…I said…

[As she sings, Patsy opens the trunk, which contains one outfit, several pill bottles and a case of Jack Daniels, and mixes up a suicidal brew.]

Should I be fearful of love?
Or should I fall?
Is loving and loosing another,
Better than never loving at all?
Jumping right back into love,
Putting up my heart.
Will it be left in tact,
Or will it be torn apart?
Chorus:
Falling for another lover,
(Who) might turn out like all the others.
Married, buried or carried away,
Leaving me black, blue and gray.
One more boyfriend down the road,
How many more I just don’t know.
Chorus
II
Living and loving today,
Is a full time thing.
(But) I think its worth the trouble,
When I’m looking at this ring.
Opening my heart up to him,
Letting go my fear.
Hearing him say, “I love you”,
Whispering into my ear.
Chorus
- BreakIII
Once I was fearful of love,
But I took the fall.
Falling with all I had for him,
He left me with nothing at all.
Feeling much older now,
Now that it’s done.
Now that my heart’s been plundered,
No love left for anyone.
Chorus

[As patsy tilts up the suicide potion, a bus pulls up and parks off stage.]

BDJ (offstage)

Hello?

PATSY

The Band’s gone.No one’s here.Go away.
[BLUES DADDY JACKSON enters L]

BDJ

But I just got here.

PATSY

Too bad.The band left me, my husband left me and I’m about to leave.

BDJ

Where are you goin’ with this luggage?

PATSY

Nowhere.

BDJ

Nowhere?Well lookey here little lady, I got a bus full of musicians and we need a band singer. We’re going on tour.I thought I heard a lot of beautiful singin a few minutes ago...Do you, ah, have a sister..?

PATSY

No.This ugly exterior can produce some pretty music, mister.I’m Patsy Presley…who are you?

BDJ

I am John Lee Jackson but everybody calls me Blues Daddy.

PATSY

Blues Daddy Jackson.Have I heard of you?

BDJ

You might have.I have been everywhere, played in about a hundred bands.I know about a thousand songs and I never forget a face.Especially one that shows so much sadness and anger as the one I’m lookin’ at now.

PATSY

Yeah?Well this face is going to be real peaceful in about five minutes.I’ve had it with all the unhappiness and the running.I always hoped to find out who the hell I am and what my purpose in life is, but I guess I never will.And the pain.The pain in my heart and soul are too much!I can’t blot them out with any amount of drugs, drinking, screwing, fighting…

BDJ

You might not know who you are but I do.And you might not know what your purpose in life is but I do again.Patsy Gershwitz-

PATSY

Don’t call me that!

BDJ

Your purpose in life is to make the world a happier place.

PATSY

[erupting in laughter]That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard!Me!Happy!Me, happy enough to spread happiness.[laughs] I’ll have you know I’m a specialist in screwing things up.My own parents left me.My other parents were rendered comatose by me.I can make angels cry when I sing sad songs, and sad songs are all that I sing…I am about the last person in the world to be happy. [continues laughing hysterically]

BDJ

Yeah you look real sad…

PATSY [stops laughing]

Is that what happiness feels like?

BDJ

You have made people happy and you have loved.You have also been loved but you didn’t know it.And I’ve known people to love you too…

PATSY

Oh, right. You know me better than I do and you know all about me. Just who in the hell are you, anyhow?

BDJ

I am a very lucky man. I have seen many wonderful things.I’ve seen a lot of bad and still like the good and I still spread the good.I’ve got news for you, Miss.You are going to learn to be happy and what love is.You have to believe me.I’m your Blues Daddy and I speak the truth.I’ve come to find you. I’ve been everywhere, man, and I’ve seen everything. [sings]

I’ve seen every thing
That a man can see
I’m you’re Blues Daddy
That’s who I be
I’ve seen Lady Day
And I’ve seen Texas Bob
I saw Muddy Waters
Lookin’ for a job
I saw Luke the Drifter
And I saw Kitty Wells
Seen them gates of Heaven
And the gaping jaws of Hell
Chorus
I’ve seen every thing
That a man can see
I’m you’re Blues Daddy
That’s who I be
II
I saw Caledonia
Then I saw Lucille
I saw Hank in a Cadillac
(But) didn’t think it was real
I’ve seen the King a swingin’
I’ve seen his Blue Suede Shoes
Seen him alone at Graceland
Seen up close the Blues
Chorus
III
I saw Carl Perkins
I saw Jerry Lee
Workin’ at Sun Records
Singin’ harmony
I saw Momma Maybelle
And June Carter too
Johnny Cash in the middle
Didn’t know what to do
Chorus
- Break
I knew Patsy Cline
I knew John Lee Hooker
Between the two of them
Patsy was the looker
I saw Loretta Modern
I saw Loretta Lynn
I saw the Grant Ole Opry
But they wouldn’t let me in

PATSY

You know all those people?Did you ever meet the King?

BDJ

The King of what country?I’ve met a mess of royalty.

PATSY

No.The King.Elvis?[BDJ laughs]What are you laughing at?

BDJ

Patsy Presley.I get it.

PATSY

For your information, I am the foremost female Elvis Impersonator… I wear a wig. So did you ever meet him?I wish I knew him.I dream about Elvis Presley every night…

BDJ

Yes.He’s holding you in his arms and singing a lullaby-

PATSY

How did you know that?I’ve never told anyone about that in my life. My, life.

BDJ

Never you mind about that.There’s plenty of time for stories…

PATSY

No.No there’s not.I just took enough booze and pills to kill an elephant.

BDJ

Didja now?

PATSY

Didn’t I?I don’t remember.

BDJ

Girl, you are in a state.Now how did you get to be thinkin’ that you’re not worthy of love-

PATSY

I’ve never told anyone about that ei-

DBJ

Now come on.Nothing can be that bad.Why don’t you tell your Blues Daddy…

PATSY

Well for your information, and you’re not my Blues Daddy, I don’t have a daddy.Or a momma. And now I don’t have a husband, a band and I’m not gonna be bringin’ the King to all the lonely people across the nation.They all left me!The band and Jimmy, we had a contract and everything.I guess it’s because I spent the last nine days drunk, pissed off and violent but that’s no way to treat a lady.I’m Patsy Presley.I’m the act!So I’m jacked up on pills and drunk off my ass. So I miss several rehearsals…

BDJ

No, darlin’ what you missed is the point.You’ve been doing just about everything except what you should be doing.You’ve got some pain and you wash it away with hard livin'.Got no love in you.Now, Ol Blues Daddy gonna take you on the bus...

PATSY

Oh, no.The last time I got on a Bus I-

BDJ

Fell in love!

PATSY

How do you know all these things I’ve never ever told any one, all my secrets?I don’t even remember these things.

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